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The importance of good communication in life and work

Today marks 13 years since I met my wife, Caroline. I feel incredibly lucky to have spent more than a third of my life with her, and I'm excited about all the adventures still to come!

During that time we've learned (and continue to learn) a lot about ourselves and each other. We've been on some incredible adventures from skydiving in Salisbury to roadtripping the USA. We have our fair share share of amazing memories alongside experiencing more difficult times.

Coldplay, the Grand Canyon and Just Married

In moments where we felt a little lost, we realised that we stopped communicating. Not literally - we've never given each other the silent treatment - but on a deeper level of sharing how we really feel. Rather than something bad, it usually happened because we were supporting one another - through a busy period of work travel or some other external stressor.

Those moments become rarer over time. One thing that has helped us get out of the funk is to make a nice dinner together and use {The And}¹ cards to reconnect on a deeper level. The questions are often surprising and lead to lovely reflections and much broader conversation, but crucially they allow us to focus back on ourselves rather than the world outside. Those conversations allow for a vulnerability - they create a safe space - where often we end up hearing or saying something we've both been thinking but haven't said out loud yet. And then the weight is lifted.

Communication obviously isn't only important in personal relationships. So much of what you can achieve at work rests on whether you have a clear line of communication with those around you, both in your immediate team and more broadly across the company.

A framework for good communication

In the past I've fallen into the trap that the key to communication is about speaking; making sure you say what you mean and articulate what you want. You do that by using your words to support and/or influence others. The trick is that great communication is actually all about listening.

Listening is the first step on a framework for bringing more confidence and creativity to communication. It's called the LASER framework and comes from a book called In The Moment² by Neil Mullarkey, an actor and improviser.

If you sometimes struggle to find the right balance in conversation (for example, you worry you talk too much, or don't listen enough), this is a great way to think of your conversations in steps. Here they are in a nutshell:

• Listen - Neil coins the term intentive listening in his book. Take in what the other person is saying to genuinely hear it.

• Accept - In improv, the players build on each other's work rather than shoot it down. So accept what the person has offered you, even if you disagree. You might repeat back what they've said to show you heard it, for example.

• Send - After accepting, send an offer back. Perhaps how you'd make their idea even better, or adding the next action step.

• Explore - Now that you've both laid out a position or have shared some information, ask questions, do some more listening and see where things go.

• Reincorporate - Return to ideas or offers from earlier in the conversation to continue exploring. You'll have seen great comedy utilise this tactic, but it also helps sustain brilliant conversation and makes people feel included.

Before you start consciously using this framework, observe conversations and see if you can spot the different steps. You'll likely start gaining a better understanding of where they're going wrong and how you could put them back on track.

Building psychological safety

You have to constantly work at creating a space where people feel able to share what's on their mind and hold their ideas lightly for the greater good. It's just as important in a team environment as it is in 1:1 conversations.

"Psychological safety is a belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns or mistakes."

- Amy Edmondson, Harvard Business School

Research by Google found sales teams that felt psychologically safe would beat targets, whilst those that didn't would miss targets.

I think of psychological safety as a bit of a spectrum. At one end you don't feel psychologically safe at all, so you don't share any new ideas and perhaps spend most time listening and nodding, even if you don't agree. At the other end, you feel completely psychologically safe, sharing every big idea that comes to mind with zero fear of judgment.

Difficult conversations

Only once you've built psychological safety, will you be able to have difficult conversations in a more comfortable environment.

Radical candour (sometimes now called compassionate candour) is a concept from Kim Scott, a former Apple and Google executive.

In her book³, Kim lays out why it's so important to tell people what you're thinking. She argues that simply telling someone their presentation was perfect (because it's a much easier conversation to have) is actually detrimental to both parties.

The Radical Candour Concept

If you genuinely care personally and challenge directly, you'll end up with a better result for everyone. Kim points out many times that this isn't a free pass to be a jerk! The relationship you build with the person you're communicating with will dictate when and how you have the conversation. The more psychologically safe you both feel, the easier it will be.

I've got better at delivering feedback and having difficult conversations over the years, but I'm still learning every day. If I don't consciously work on this I default to being a conflict avoider which is unhelpful for everyone.

There are two things I do before having these kinds of conversations:

1. Ask myself "Would I want someone to give me this feedback if the situation was reversed?"

2. Write down what I want to say. (Otherwise it's easy to water down the point once I'm in the conversation.)

One important way to build psychological safety is to praise publicly! We all like the warm and fuzzy feeling we get when someone recognises good work that we've done. It's much harder to approach those traditionally difficult conversations if they're the only conversations you have. Big up your colleagues and friends when they've done something great, and actively create the culture you want to thrive in.

Reflection

Here are a few prompts to help you consider everything above.

• Have you communicated what you want? (This post about setting expectations might be helpful.)

• How are you actively contributing to psychological safety on your team, at home or with colleagues/friends directly? (For example, are you sharing some level of vulnerability to show others it's okay?)

• Are you actively listening in conversations you're having? (For example, when you ask a question, are you actually hearing the answer?)

• Did someone you know do something great recently? Send them a message or tell them next time you see them!

Next week

It's coming to the end of the school summer term here in the UK so I'm going to write about the power of great teachers.

Thanks for reading, as always. See you next week!

Resources

Here are the things I mentioned in this post:

1. {The And} cards

2. In The Moment by Neil Mullarkey

3. Radical Candor by Kim Scott